Guys, It's Rated PG13
by Ciamil B
Summary: Actors Arthur and Ariadne are trying to trick the public into thinking they're actually a couple to promote their new romcom movie. Eames plays Ariadne's jealous boyfriend, but when he crashes in on their publicity stunts, is it just all pretend? A/E


**Guys, It's Rated PG-13**

**Pairings: Arthur/Eames, Robert/Ariadne, Cobb/Mal**

A/N: For inception reverse bang. I wrote for adelaide_rain for her lovely artwork (link is on lj!), which inspired me to write this fic. She's an amazing artist to write for, and working with her is very lovely~ Thanks also to my beta gelbwax, who took up a 10,000+ fic and betaed it twice within two days!

Italics are Arthur's thoughts.

:) Hope you enjoy it, because I loved writing it!

* * *

><p>"Jesus fuck, Dom went over our heads again," Ariadne gripes, shoving a newspaper in Arthur's face.<p>

"Wait, what?"

"Look for yourself!" Ariadne tears open the pages to the Entertainment section, pointing to an article.

* * *

><p><strong>MOVIE TO STAR CHARLES EAMES, ARTHUR BLACK, and ARIADNE SUMMERS IN A LOVE TRIANGLE<strong>

Yusuf Khalid

Staff Reporter

At a press conference on March 24, Dominic Cobb of Cobb Studios announced that his most recent project, _Hoagies and Pie_, has found an actor to play opposite to both Arthur Black and Ariadne Summers: Charles Eames. This announcement came after weeks of media speculation of the chances that Cobb would be able to find a strong enough actor to hold his own against Black and Summers. Both honored film stars, any actor unable to act to their caliber would have immediately made _Hoagies and Pie_ a massive flop in both the box offices and the film awards.

Eames is a new introduction to American viewers, but to a British audience, he is considered one of the most marketable and lauded actors ever. Known for his roles in _Footprints in the Snow_, _Stuck in a Hole, Yo-ho-ho and a Bottle of Rum, _and several other notable films, Eames is a strong edition to the cast of _Hoagies and Pie_.

_Hoagies and Pie_ will be shown in theaters in mid-May.

* * *

><p>"I mean, it's not like I <em>hate<em> Eames," Ariadne rages, throwing her hands up. "But Dom could've told us, you know?"

"_Stuck in a Hole?"_ Arthur reads incredulously. "What is that, a porno?"

"A rom-com," Ariadne corrects. "But _Yo-ho-ho_ has got some, uh, sex scenes."

"Aaand that's the only reason why you watched it," Arthur dead-pans. Ariadne flushes.

"What?" She says, voice pitching higher. "Like you didn't just watch _As the World Turns_ to see the Luke-Noah and Luke-Reid!" This time Arthur flushes, but it's less noticeable than the cherry red that Ariadne sports.

"It was a monumental series," Arthur says, straightening. "And for that matter—"

"But oh my God," Ariadne ignores him, twirling around in spot, arms in the air. "We're gonna work with Eames!"

"Is that a good thing?" Arthur asks, dodging her flailing arms. "Who's Eames, anyways?"

"Of course it is. I mean, I'm mad that I didn't at least get to chose the person who's going to be touching my lady parts, like, a gazillion times, but – wait, you don't know who Eames is?" Ariadne asks, stopping to stare at him.

"Am I supposed to?" Ariadne gapes at him. Then hits him hard in the shoulder.

"Ow!" Good God, Ariadne could knock out a hippo with that strength. Arthur's entire arm is throbbing.

"What kind of gay actor are you?" Ariadne shouts. Then, in true actor's passion, she turns and stalks out of the dressing room, muttering furiously about how sad it was that an actor didn't know about other "prominent, _hot_, _single _actors in the same field."

"I need someone to spoon feed me later!" Arthur yells after her.

"Buy a new arm!"

* * *

><p>Caught up in work, relationships, and that creepy new guy down in makeup who always stares at Arthur for ten minutes ("to gather information about your facial dimensions") before doing anything, Arthur doesn't get time to look up Eames at all.<p>

It's a mistake, and the consequences of that mistake face him the day filming for _Hoagies and Pie_ begins.

"Why hello, lovely," a thick-lipped, leering British man says to him. "Why so serious?" Arthur, just exiting Costa Coffee and in a hurry to get to work, stared at the British man hitting on him with a quote from the most horribly made movie of all time?

"Excuse me?" He asks. "I beg your pardon." There are people staring, and Arthur knows they're blocking the Costa Coffee entrance.

"You can do more than that," the man says, leaning in close enough that their thighs were touching. "Begging, I mean," he adds, as if it needed any clarification at all.

"Uh," Arthur says. "No." And that's how the man – Charles "Call me Eames" Eames, Arthur later finds out – arrives to his first day of work covered with coffee, a fuming Arthur watching him approach the set incredulously, having just run away like the wind from a "creepy pervert."

* * *

><p>It had been two weeks since he met Eames, since that unfortunate, unfortunate incident with too much touching and too much screaming. Of course, Arthur had walked away from the scene feeling vindicated, but watching the same man he had thrown coffee on stroll into work a day later fine and dandy wearing a paisley suit destroyed that happy vindication.<p>

And the following days had sadly destroyed Arthur's misconception that Eames was a piss poor actor.

(Online blogs hadn't helped with that. Arthur researched on Eames the night of their first day working together. The headlines were not reassuring.

_Dickless Dom casts Egads – why him? – Eames. Remains Douche While Doing So _

_Eames and why we think he needs a paper bag_

And other variations)

Their first scene between Arthur's meeting with Ariadne and his first date with her – the first scene with only Arthur and Eames – blows Arthur away in a way that he doesn't appreciate at all. Arthur's used to being at the top of his game. He's got a couple awards to his belt, and he never bothered to check that Eames had the same before that first scene.

But after that scene – after Arthur _knew_ what Eames could do with a page of script and twenty minutes to fill – Arthur conceded that Eames was not a "piss poor" actor, but just a below average one.

_Especially_ since he didn't act at all like a respectable actor. He's heard from Ariadne that Eames can do works of God on screen in Britain, but Arthur doesn't believe her. Eames is just passable. Cobb Studios has rules, and Arthur has rules. They're not hard rules, but they're rules the people that Arthur respects and likes to work with follow.

Cobb Studios was a widely respected studio, in part because of the strong storylines they chose to create into film, and in part because of the charisma and intelligence of Dominic Cobb and Mallorie Fallon. Arthur had been working with them for more than five years, practically beginning his acting career with them, after he had met Mal at his university by chance.

Their expectations of their actors were simple:

1) Get to the set on time, and leave when we tell you to. Ask before you take off, and make sure to give a day's advance if you can't come in one day.

2) Do not antagonize other actors. You've all heard of the infamous Saito-Fischer fiasco in the tabloids. Don't let them become you.

3) Good publicity is good. Bad publicity is bad. Know the difference. Good = people smiling at you, people opening doors for you, girls offering you their love in a non-carnal way. Bad = people wishing you to die, people saying you are crazy and should be banned from acting, and fans offering to kill all your critics for you.

4) Listen to Mal when it comes to clothing. She turned this (a picture of Arthur during his university days, wearing a sweatshirt, sweatpants, and a cap over his head. It was one of those weeks with tests in every subject and no time to shower. He looked like a mess) to this (a picture of Arthur on the cover of GQ, wearing a lovingly-tailored Italian suit).

5) Don't get drunk on set.

Arthur's expectations are largely the same, influenced by the amount of time he's spent with Cobb Studios. So when Eames comes in late, wearing a hideous paisley suit and smelling of a really, really bad cologne, Arthur can't muster up any respect for the man at all.

Eames doesn't make it any easier for him not to dislike him.

Eames likes… antagonizing him. More so than anyone Arthur has ever met.

"_Still wearing that tie, eh Darling?" _

"_Bit boring with those shoes – shop at the same store, much?" _

"_Looks like you haven't washed your hair in days – still in the same shape as yesterday." _

"_Ariadne, can you believe this stick in the mud? Nothing ever changes!" _

"_If you ever want to remove that stick from your bum, I'd be happy to offer my services. And by my services, I mean my penis." _

But they don't _bother_ Arthur. Not in anyway that makes him give Eames more attention than he's ever given any other co-star before, excluding Ariadne, of course. It's not like Arthur cares at all. Not. At. All.

But there **is **something strange about Eames that rubs him the wrong way. It probably all started when Eames really _rubbed him the wrong way_ in the elevators two days after they discovered they were working together. Even after realizing they were working together, Eames still harassed him.

It's like a form of reverse hazing.

Anyways, Arthur's relationship with his other co-star, Ariadne, is a hell of a lot better than his relationship with Eames. Cobb hadn't exactly been weeping in despair – the movie was a love triangle between him, Ariadne, and Eames.

"Draw upon your real life experiences," Cobb had said seriously. Arthur paid close attention to that, especially when the script gods called upon him to kick the crap out of Eames for Ariadne's love. Sadly, Eames was called upon to fight back, and they landed on a couple of soft mattresses out of falling out of the apartment windows.

Where Eames proceeded to feel him up again.

Arthur gives Eames a bruise on the cheek. The make-up people bitch him out for that.

"He likes messing with me," Arthur says to Ariadne later.

"He's just trying to figure you out, Arthur," Ariadne says. "He doesn't know you yet."

* * *

><p>One day, Eames finds him in his dressing room.<p>

"Up for a little practice?" Arthur looks up at Eames, who is standing at the doorway of his room.

"What for?" Arthur asks dryly. "I thought you had it all covered. "

"Never bad to practice with you," Eames says, smiling with _something_ that Arthur can't identify.

"Not when I'm taking a break and filming is over for the day."

"We've got a large scene up ahead," Eames says, sliding into a seat next to Arthur. "We need to practice."

And Arthur can't argue with that, because he's nothing but perfect when it comes to his scenes. He doesn't say a word to Eames, but he takes the script Eames is holding out to him and opens it up to the first page. There's something off about it. The highlights are in the wrong places, and –

"Is this Ariadne's script?" He asks, looking at the cover to make sure. It is – Ariadne Summer's is written across the front clearly. He glares at Eames, who is wearing an innocent look on his face.

"Well, there went that plan," he says.

"Joanna: There's nothing left for me to say to you. William: Wait, Joanna! Grabs Joanna and kisses her," Arthur reads out loud. "You wanted to practice _this_ scene with me?"

"I just wanted to see how you'd react, darling," Eames says, picking the script out of Arthur's hands. "Lovely rise."

Eames runs out the door before Arthur can say anything else.

"Well," Arthur says to an empty room. "That was weird."

* * *

><p>"Wow, you really dislike him," Ariadne says to Arthur after filming, the day after the strange instance with Eames in his dressing room. They're standing next to the water cooler, resting between scenes.<p>

"I dislike a lot of actors," Arthur says plainly. He's never had to hide that aspect of him from Ariadne. She knows his opinions on a lot of actors.

"Yeah, but you always say it's because they suck at acting," Ariadne says. "Eames doesn't suck at acting."

"I beg to differ," Arthur says, because really, he hasn't seen anything special from Eames. "He's always late, he forgets his lines, and he keeps on messing up scenes by tripping me or harassing me. And he's disorganized, too. Yesterday he came to me to practice, and he gave me your script."

And as Eames walks past them, Arthur says definitively: "I don't like him."

Eames' back stiffens, and he quickens his pace.

"Oh Arthur," Ariadne says after a long pause. "He's just – he's not acting like he usually does on set in England, I'm sure."

"Whatever happens in England doesn't matter," Arthur says, finishing up his water. "If he can't do it here." He's never liked actors who can't get their acts together, and he isn't going to start now.

Later on that day, all the actors are herded together in preparation for Cobb to go over the agenda for filming the next day. Arthur, Ariadne, and Eames, as the stars, stand together nearest to the director's chair.

"So," Ariadne says to Arthur loudly. "What did you say made a good actor again?" Arthur looks at her incredulously – it's like asking a friend of fifteen years what they liked to do – so Ariadne amends.

"There's a new actress who, um, asked for my advice last night. I just don't want to miss any of the advice you gave me when we were starting out." Well, that sounds reasonable, Arthur decides.

"Someone who's not late," Arthur starts reciting, list of at least thirty items branded into his mind. "Someone who knows who to do their job – to know the lines, or at least most of the lines, before filming. Someone who follows the schedule, who lives the character, who –"

"So," Ariadne interrupts him. "You're saying that you only like _serious_ actors, right?" For some reason, her body is angled towards Eames.

"Um," Arthur says, eyes catching a quick flicker from Eames' eyes. "Yes, I suppose so. Those are the only respectable ones, after all."

Then Cobb walks in, ending any talk.

"Okay, so I wasn't able to get a shark tank because Mal tells me that certain animal rights groups are going to fry our asses if we harm animals in our film – which I told them we weren't going to _hurt_ them, but they aren't listening, so I'll do that later –"

* * *

><p>The next day, Eames actually arrives early. In something non-paisley that actually makes him look good. It's such a shock that multiple people comment on it, and Arthur himself is about to do so when Eames walks over to him.<p>

"Fancy seeing you here _early_," Eames says, smiling. Arthur can't say anything, the shock of Eames _actually being early_ _and actually wearing something that wasn't pried out of an old man's hands _getting to him in ways he had learned in high school not to say aloud. He looks uncomfortably to the side, searching for Ariadne, but his eyes instead land on the white paper bag in Eames' hands. Following his gaze, Eames hold up the paper bag.

"Stopped to get some donuts," Eames says. "Want one?"

"No thanks," Arthur says. But inside his mind is a continuous loop: _donuts, donuts, donuts, oh God I haven't had one in so long and it's like my favorite food. Donuts donuts. _"I need to go and… shave." Arthur hasn't seen a donut on set in three years, and hasn't been tempted enough to go close to a donut shop after working out for an early action movie with a particularly intimidating trainer.

"Are you sure? There's a chocolate one –" _Oh God, it's chocolate_.

"No, I'm sure," Arthur says, cutting Eames off. He starts backing away. "I really need to go and…" His mind blanks out, and his eyes focus on that white bag.

"Shave?" Eames supplies, looking partly amused and partly some other emotion Arthur can't identify in his donut-crazed state.

"Yes, that," Arthur says, and then he turns around and walks briskly to his dressing room. It anyone notices him avoiding Eames for the rest of the day or the wrappers from Krispy Kreme hidden in his trashcan, no one says a thing.

But Ariadne looks very smiley the rest of the day.

* * *

><p>Eames continues being on time, on schedule, and prepared for every shooting session they have. Arthur doesn't know exactly when it happened, but he can now sit at the same table as Eames without physically being held down by Ariadne to prevent his escape. Sometimes he even laughs at Eames' jokes, but those times are far and few between.<p>

Eames is still a thorn in his side, albeit one that he can tolerate now. Arthur's getting close to actually being wiling to publicly and quietly say that Eames is a good actor, and accepts when Eames offers him donuts (and "accepts" meaning that Eames eventually leaves the bag on the general food table where anyone can take anything, and Arthur grabs one when no one is looking) and stops "misplacing" Eames' imported tea packets.

It's almost even like friendship, and it continues into the last few weeks.

After weeks of fighting with prop providers, working with other actors, and running around all over the place, the last few weeks finally arrive. With the final scenes left to shoot, Cobb calls all of the actors together for a conference.

"We've got a couple weeks left," Cobb says, calmly ignoring the scene that is Robert throwing a large plush lion at Mal. "As per usual, we need to generate some… publicity." The whole cast grumbles, aware of what they're going to have to do. Or, what some of them have to do. It's always different.

Last time, for _Fangs and Feelings_, one of the leading vampires had to actually pretend he was a vampire for a little over two weeks. A religious fanatic had tried to stab him through with a stake within three days, and that plan was quickly abandoned.

"It's mainly just Arthur and Ariadne," Mal says, plush lion in hand. "But none of you are allowed to breath a word about it to anyone." The _"or else" _doesn't have to be said.

"We need you two to act like a couple in public," Cobb says directly to Ariadne and Arthur. "And the rest of you – I swear to God above that I will kill you if you let it slip that they aren't _really _in love like you did with Dianna Agron and Alex Pettyfer – that took _weeks_ to orchestrate and we're lucky enough that they were both sports enough to continue acting far after the truth came out."

"I don't think they were acting," someone whispers.

"Up-pa-pa-pa!" Cobb silences them by cutting the air with his hand. "No, they were definitely acting. Definitely."

"But Ariadne and I have been working together forever, wouldn't it be strange if –" Arthur objects, but Cobb gives him The Squint.

"Alright, everyone but these three," Cobb waves at hand at Eames, Arthur, and Ariadne. "Go and take your breaks. Remember – not a word or I will cut people." Grumbling lightly to themselves, people leave the room until only five people are left.

"I don't see how we can pretend—" Ariadne starts.

"Oh no, you definitely can," Cobb reassures. "It's not that hard, just –"

"We've been friends for ages, the romance would have kicked in by now," Arthur says.

"Just say you got out of a bad relationship, or—"

"But Arthur's gay!" Ariadne cries out.

"Well, just say he's gotten over questioning his sexual identity after working on the set of his last movie and getting steamy with a stage hand or something… All Hollywood actors go through that."

"That," Arthur begins. "Is entirely implausib—"

"Whoa, Arthur's gay?" Eames asks.

_Shit_, Arthur thinks to himself, staying as still as possible. It's a joke, he wants to say. Ariadne just doesn't want to do any publicity stunts, so she'll use anything and -

"Problem, Eames?" Cobb asks, eyes flinty.

Cobb and Ariadne are so used to it only being them and Arthur that they didn't even think twice before outing him to _Eames_, and now Eames would tell just about _everyone_ and Arthur would be out of a job, and he'd be branded a demon by conservative newspapers, and -

"Of course not," Eames cuts into Arthur's panic attack. "Of course – not every actor is straight in England."

"Well, then, good," Cobb says, putting a small wooden hammer down beside him in a less-than-discrete manner. "I'd have hated it if things were to… get out hand so late into the game."

"Of course," Eames repeats.

"Well then," Cobb starts again, looking at Arthur. "Any more problems, Arthur?"

"No, not at all," Arthur says, heart still beating in his chest. For a moment there, when he thought that Eames would get angry, would go around telling the whole world that Arthur was gay, he was terrified.

"We've done this before," Arthur reminds, fingers rubbing that the bridge of his nose and heart beating in his chest. Eames doesn't mind, his mind tells him, but his heart won't get over the fear. It's not a hard job, acting like a couple, that is. But the tabloids can be brutal, and he'd rather nothing from his past be dredged up again, like –

Well, like his past gay relationships that did not end up well and that Arthur never wanted to bring up every again.

"Just not with Ariadne… But I can deal."

"Good," Cobb says. "Here's the schedule of public events. Go forth and become fishers of suckers."

* * *

><p>Their first occasion is an outing right after filming one of the last scenes. There's a gaggle of photographers and paparazzi right outside of the studios, starving like a pack of wild animals after meat. Ariadne casually lays a hand on his arm, and he smiles at her the best he can without looking unnatural (a feat, because Arthur is generally horrible at smiling outside of the set).<p>

At once, there are fangirls screaming and gasps of "oh my God, what is that –" and "I knew it!" Sweat breaks out at Arthur's neck when he hears someone shout "I thought he was gay!" but laughter follows that and there are quite a few vocal objections to the matter.

"Just breathe," Ariadne murmurs, tilting her head up to him like she's whispering something sexy. Ariadne has more practice than he has in this; most of the directors that Arthur ahs worked for don't dare to ask him to pretend like that out of the set. Arthur can do brooding, he can do angsty, but he can't do love very well in public eye.

"Come on," Ariadne says, dropping her hand to lace her fingers through his. She drags him along down the road, until they are out of the paparazzi flashes and fangirl's sights. "That went well," she whispers when he lets go of her hands and wipes his own on his pants.

"Ewww," he says, smiling lightly. "Ariadne germs."

"Oh shut up."

* * *

><p>The plan works. It works so well that Arthur starts despairing about the intelligence of those who controlled public attention.<p>

_Ariadne Summers and Arthur Black in a relationship? Move over Bradgelina, this is… Ariadartor!_

He did, however, have some complaints over the naming of their "romance."

_Summer and Black get heated after filming for Hoagies and Pie… could this be love?_

_Looks like we have a Black Summer heading our way… and we couldn't be more excited! _

_And we thought he was gay… well, apparently not! _

_And we thought _she_ was gay… well, apparently not! _

Yeah, it works well.

"Good job," Cobb says approvingly the next day. "That worked… quickly, actually."

"Quickly in a scary way," Eames says. Arthur thinks he detects a bit of unhappiness in his voice, but why would Eames be unhappy?

"Well, good job, regardless. First scene we have today is between Ariadne and Robert, so Arthur, Eames, you two go off and get ready – your scenes with Ariadne are in about an hour or two." Cobb takes Ariadne, leaving Arthur and Eames alone in the same room.

Arthur shift uneasily. He still remembers the last time he and Eames were left together alone in the same room (they could be together in public, but things tended to get out of hand when they were in a closed room) – things had happened that Arthur would not mention in polite company. It was just Eames messing with him again.

But usually, Eames starts in on him the moment the door shuts on them. This time, he's quiet. Arthur chances a look at the other man, only to find that Eames is looking at him with a pensive look on his face.

"What," he asks. Eames doesn't say anything. Arthur gives an annoyed noise, before turning around to look for his script.

"Did you like it?" Eames asks, voice gravely in the silence. Arthur turns.

"Like what?" he asks.

"Being with Ariadne… like that," Eames clarifies, as if it needed clarification at all.

"What?" Arthur asks, shocked. "Ariande and me – like that? Are you kidding me?"

"_No_," Eames says, all concernedly and seriously like there's something wrong with Arthur if he doesn't respond.

"Oh, well," Arthur says disconcertedly. "Uh, no. Ariande said it the first day – I'm gay."

"Oh."

"Um," Arthur says, suddenly awkward. Most actors know that he's gay, but the actor's code of silence keeps that fact from getting out. He doesn't know Eames that well yet, but – well, maybe Eames is gay himself? Or whatever, even though Arthur's always categorized his actions as _annoying_ –

"Well, I always knew you were a poof," Eames says, smarmy smirk back on his face.

"Oh, fuck off," Arthur says angrily, snatching his script and storming out of the room. "And just so you know, Ariadne likes guys who actually _know_ to tie a tie."

He slams the door on his way out.

Annoying it was.

* * *

><p>Their second publicity stunt is larger. It's a night movie premier for a new movie starring Arthur Pendragon and Merlin Emrys – <em>Pantless in Peru<em> (the only gay comedy with straight actors (not the leads – they're gay for each other) you'll see in a year!)

Arthur and Ariadne arrive together, both wearing complimentary colors (well, as complimentary as it can get with Arthur wearing black and Ariadne wearing a nice green). They smile for the cameras and link their arms together, and it's all going swimmingly until…

"Oh, hello, fancy meeting you two here like this." Eames pops out from behind them, planting himself firmly between them. The camera flashes seem to double in intensity.

"Eames," Arthur says through gritted teeth. "What are you doing?" It's not what Cobb had told them to do. Eames gives a loud laugh and swings an arm over his shoulder, gripping it tightly.

"What, can't step in to see my costars?" He says, looking down at Ariadne, who is trapped in his other arm, but who also doesn't seem to mind it as much as Arthur does.

"Of course you can," Ariadne says, laughing like she's in on a joke. Arthur looks at her incredulously, and redoubles his efforts to get out of Eames' hold.

"Don't be like that," Eames whispers quietly. "The cameras are watching."

_The cameras are watching_, Arthur thinks to himself. So he grits his teeth and lets Eames' arm stay there. Arthur doesn't like being uninformed.

Cobb is extremely happy the next morning.

"Keep up the good work, Eames," Cobb says, smiling like there's nothing wrong in the world at all. "Good idea when you told me that you should be a part of the publicity, and –"

"Wait, Eames _offered_ to be a part of the publicity?" Arthur asks.

"Yeah," Cobb says. "Usually I keep it down to two because things get messed up with more than that easily, but you guys pulled it off!" Arthur can't believe it. He doesn't mind the "taking initiative" part – that's a good actor – but he does mind the "don't tell your co-actors anything and wait for them to find out" part.

"I thought so, too, "Ariadne says, patting Eames on the shoulder. "Good thinking!"

"We had to do this back in England too," Eames says, smiling – no, smirking - at Arthur. "I know how these things work." _**Balls,**__ you know how things work_, Arthur thought.

He glares at Eames over the top of his coffee cup, and sees the man give a blinding smile in return.

Oh, it is so on, he thinks. He thought he and Eames could have a working relationship, that Eames wasn't a bad actor, and that he could actually be a good actor _and_ a good member of the acting community. Maybe even a friend. But none of Arthur's friends (which, admittedly, only included Cobb, Mal, Ariadne, and the new addition Robert) would pull shit like that without telling him first.

He crumbles his coffee with one hand, throws it into the trash, and walks out, missing Eames' confused look at his retreating back.

He was wrong about Eames.

* * *

><p>"What's going on?" Ariadne asks him three hours later, after he's subtly (see: loudly and persistently) asked her to go to La Morte D'Arthur, which only sat two people, for lunch.<p>

"Nothing," Arthur says, looking at the menu. "I just didn't want to be around Eames today."

There's a pause.

"Well, can't say I expected you to beat around the bush," Ariadne says, smiling. She sets the menu aside and leans on the table. "But really. You were fine these past few weeks. What happened?"

"Nothing," Arthur repeats. "He and I just aren't good as actors working together."

"Um, okay," Ariadne draws out. "Wait a second – is this about him not telling you – I mean, _us_ – about his role in the publicity thing?" Arthur blinks. Ariadne knows him too well.

"Yes," he says. "I was beginning to think he could be a good actor. I know retract that thought." Ariadne's face twists so suddenly that when Arthur sees it over the top of his menu, he starts a little. She looks…

Well, pissed could only be the right word for that murderous expression.

"That's _it_!" Ariadne shouts, making heads turn in the medieval-themed restaurant. "I'm tired of this! How could you, after working with him for nearly _five months_, still not think of him as a _terrific, amazing, and _hot, single_ actor_?" Her voice rises higher and higher in volume until she's practically screaming at him.

"Well," Arthur says, carefully wiping at his face. "I'm going to ignore that you called him hot, and simply say that there hasn't been anything to prove contrary to that thought."

"Nothing contrary?" Ariadne says, voice rising. "Have you even looked at his past movies?"

"No, I haven't had time," Arthur explains, eyes starting to rove around for anything that can stand between him and Ariadne, who looks like she is about to murder him again. "And it's a waste of time."

"You, me, tonight at your hotel. We are _watching_ his best films tonight."

"But he's just another act—"

"I'm _tired_ of you and Eames not getting along because you think he's not serious enough!" Ariadne rants, picking up her knife and waving it around in the air. "I'm _tired _of watching you avoid him or find excuses to avoid him because you think he's not _respecting_ you and the acting world or something!"

"He didn't _tell_ me about his role in the publicity stunt," Arthur hisses back. "Ariadne, you _know_ I hate it when things don't happen the way I know it will on the red carpet."

"I know," Ariadne stresses. "And he was an _idiot_ to do that, but you can't just dismiss him because he didn't tell you – look at how great he's been over the past few months!"

"It doesn't matter," Arthur says, leaning back in his chair and looking at his menu again. "In a couple of weeks, none of this matters. You don't need to come over at seven."

"You need to know these things!" Ariadne says, incensed again. "You need to know, because if you don't, you can't finish this movie – you can't do those last scenes without knowing what he can do!"

"Yeah, but—"

"No buts!" Ariadne cries. "Tonight, seven." She points the knife threateningly at Arthur.

Of course Arthur agrees.

When they get back to the set, filming is as stilted as it was in the morning. Cobb declares that all their scenes that day are "shitty – we're taking them again in the future." Arthur feels ashamed and doesn't look at Eames even once outside of the times when the camera is filming.

He's not looking forward to seven.

* * *

><p>At seven, Ariadne stands at his hotel room door holding a box of movies.<p>

"Is that?" Arthur asks at the doorway, wondering if he should let the box enter his room.

"Yeah, it's a box of al his films. The notable ones." There have got to be at least twenty films inside the box. "Let me in."

Ariadne makes herself comfortable on his hotel floor, and fiddles with the DVD player. The screen flickers and the film immediately starts. Arthur doesn't even have time to make popcorn.

"I didn't even have time to make popcorn," Arthur says, complaining, but sitting down on his bed anyways.

"On it," Ariadne says, standing up. "You just sit tight and watch."

* * *

><p>"Oh," Arthur says when Eames bursts out of a burning building, clothing flying behind him, accentuating his build. The fire flames out behind him, and there's a look of determination on his face as he carries the child in his arms to safety.<p>

"Hnk," Arthur rasps out quietly as Eames breaks down on screen, cradling the body of his dead infant sister after a massive nuclear meltdown on a vacation in France. There are definitely no tears in Arthur's eyes.

"That's, uh, interesting," Arthur says as a naked Eames walks out of a hotel bathroom, leaning against the doorway and looking seductively at a red-haired woman on the bed, who's head _just_ covers Eames crotch area.

"Gah," Arthur rasps out quietly, this time for totally different reasons, as a semi-naked and _wet_ Eames pulls out of a swimming pool, the water droplets flinging off of his hair, and off his body.

"Gah," he says again, when Eames goes to a chair, _bends over_ and picks up a towel.

"Gah," he says for a final time, when Eames walks into his hotel room, _strips off_ his trunks, and there is a very nice close up of his ass as he walks to the bathroom to take a shower. Arthur discretely moves a pillow in front of his lap.

"Well," Ariadne says brightly when the door shuts behind Eames on screen. "Look at the time! I'll just leave these here and go home. I've seen this film like twenty-seven times anyways. You know it has a sequel? It's in there. Bring them back whenever!"

When Ariadne shows herself out the door (Arthur pretends that his leg fell asleep and he doesn't want to aggravate it instead of admit to a… harder problem elsewhere), she leaves behind a very confused Arthur.

Arthur would feel like he's getting left behind confused a lot, if not for the fact that he had… that "harder problem" to take care of.

* * *

><p>It's all because of the films. Arthur can blame it all on those films – those dirty, dirty films – Ariadne gave him. Arthur's not immune to feelings. He's gotten over… things regarding other actors and public figures (like Wentworth Miller. And Channing Tatum. And Anderson Cooper, although that one was still a works in progress). He can't help it – he likes good actors.<p>

But they all take time. And the time he's given – a handful of days – is not enough to steel himself for working with Eames again. He's been through a lot of opinions in a short amount of time: first from hating Eames, to grudgingly respecting him, to hating him again, and then now to… whatever this was.

They're re-filming a scene – the scene between him and Eames at a Japanese festival – when Arthur gets suddenly very uncomfortable with the amount of touching he has to do with Eames.

"Stop _squirming_, darling," Eames hisses to him, mouth just an inch away form his. "I'm _supposed_ to be intimidating you."

"I'm not _squirming_," Arthur says, wishing Cobb would hurry up. The man had gone off for a coffee break, saying he would be "just a minute" and telling them to stay in their spots. "Your breath is just especially horrid." If his breathing is a little off, Eames doesn't say anything. But his eyes get a bit hooded, and before Arthur knows it, he's crowded against a wall, Eames' face close to his.

"How is it, darling," Eames says. "That you are so captivating?"

"What?" Arthur says, not even daring to breath. Eames' lips are just _that close_ to his, and his brain is pretty much short-circuiting. It would so easy to just lunge forward and take that leap – Arthur's never cared about what anyone has ever thought of him before.

But.

But Eames is just messing with him, like he's been for the past five months. Nothing means anything.

"I'm back," Cobb announces, and Eames – thank God – moves away. "Action!"

"So this is how you treat the ones you love," Eames begins, and Arthur loses himself in the scene.

But it's not quite as good as it can be, and Cobb demands they reshoot in the future.

* * *

><p>Arthur had complained to Ariadne long and often about how Eames loved to mess with him. But lately it was getting ridiculous, and he found himself complaining every few days or so, until it became the only thing he had to gripe about during breaks. He likes to think he's good at suppressing his feelings, but the suppressed feelings come out in verbal vomit instead. He doesn't notice this when it happens, though.<p>

There was no more talk about Cobb becoming old and delusional (he threw a broom through the window yesterday. For _art_. No more talk about Philippa being enrolled in a conservative Christian school and how it was the _worst idea ever_. It was always "Eames is fucking annoying" or "Jesus, if Eames messes with my stuff on set again, I will murder him."

"He touches me!" Arthur had shouted after a particularly grueling session involving Eames and Arthur fighting in the _showers_ of a gym's men's locker room. "He touches me and stuff!"

"And stuff?" Ariadne asks, raising her eyebrows.

"And stuff," Arthur repeats. "Did you see what he did with my newspaper clippings in my dressing room? He drew little penises, Ariadne. Little penises." Ariadne giggles as she remembers. "Stop that - it wasn't funny!"

"But it totally was! And he didn't draw little penises, he drew naked stick people with penises twice the size of their bodies."

"And then," Arthur continues, even more incensed. "He leaves little notes in my dressing room – notes from Julius Caesar!

**Strike, as thou didst at Caesar; for I k now, when thou didst hate him worst, thou lov'dst him better, than ****ever**** thou lov'dst Cassius! **

"Aww, how cute!"

"Brutus _kills _Caesar," Arthur hisses.

"Well, yeah," Ariadne admits. "But there were a lot of pseudo-gay relationship-y stuff before that."

"That doesn't make it better!" Arthur slumps back in his chair, looking up at the black ceiling. "It's like he loves messing with me or something. It's like he – like he wants to make me look bad in front of Cobb!" Hope that Eames was pulling his pigtails or whatever was brutally crushed two days into Eames' personal quest to mess with Arthur as much as possible.

"Oh Arthur," Ariadne says, looking at him with pity in her eyes. "You're an oblivious one, aren't you? I'm going to give you a hint." She makes a circle with the index finger and thumb of her left hand, and sticks the index finger of her right hand through it repeatedly, but Arthur's isn't even looking at her.

"He's kind of slow," Robert Fischer, one of Ariadne's suitors and an actor playing the minor role of Ariadne's brother, says when Arthur doesn't respond to Ariadne's crude gestures. "Try again."

"And the way he touches you!" Arthur suddenly says, energized by the subject matter. "You'd think he would know how to be more _subtle_ about his attentions, even if Cobb did tell him to get between us like that. Still, he could –"

"The way he touches _me_?" Ariadne asks, astonished. She exchanges looks with Robert, who gives her a look that says: "I knew he was slow." She decides he's going to sleep on the couch tonight.

"No," Ariadne says, laying a hand on his arm. "You should see the way he touches _you_, Arthur. In public, like he doesn't want anyone else to touch you."

"He hangs all over you when we're out," Arthur says. Ariadne opens her mouth to speak, but Arthur continues on without her. "He throws around my stuff. He gives you flowers sometimes. He gives me little disgusting penis men." Then he collapses into a brooding silence.

"Arthur, seriously, he likes _you_."

"Stop fucking with me." Arthur spits out, and immediately regrets doing so. Ariadne looks offended, but he can't deal with that right now. He just can't. Arthur gets up, and leaves. Ariadne is squawking over his abrupt departure and language, but Arthur has problems of his own to take care of.

Eames can't like him – it's impossible. It's what Arthur has been telling himself for the past few days, so it must be true. Eames can't like _him, _he must – he must like… Ariadne. She's the one who Eames leans on when he breaks in on their publicity events. Arthur's seen them talking together, too, sometimes near the snack table, and sometimes outside her or Eames' dressing room doors.

Arthur knows Ariadne is lovely – she gets much more fan mail than he does. He knows that Eames is practically only ever around him when Ariadne is around, too. But Arthur isn't stupid enough to think that he's being completely reasonable. He's being perfectly unreasonable.

Ariadne introduced a possibility – one that Arthur can only reject as harshly as he can. Eames always grabs onto Ariadne the tightest and the longest. Because Ariadne looks like she belongs more with Eames than he ever could.

Arthur cuts his losses as best as he can.

And sometimes running away from the fearful possibility of having your heart stomped all over again, is enough to try to convince yourself that someone you've gotten close to over the past five months, who can act his way out of a solid safe, and who you feel close to _alive_ with, loves your best friend instead of you.

It's your attempt to rid yourself of complicated feelings.

* * *

><p><em>There was never a hope for me<em>.

Mars is bright tonight (neverstopbelieving) wrote,

2011-4-7 08:34:30

Entry tags: ohmygod, Arthur "sexy ass" Black, Ariadne Summers, Charles Eames, movies, EEEEEEEEEEE

**TRANSCRIPT OF DAILY SHOW W/ JON STEWART: APRIL 6 – ARTHUR AND ARIADNE GATECRASHED BY EAMES**

Ohmygod 3 I just found this online and it's just so precious, I can't. For all those without access to the main site or youtube – SHOWER ME WITH YOUR LOVE!

That is all.

**UNOFFICIAL TRANSCRIPT**

_Stewart: Jon Stewart here tonight with two very special guests promoting their newest movie. Please welcome, Ariadne Summers and Arthur Black! _

_= Summer and Black enter and sit = _

_Summer: Thank you for having us, Jon. _

_Stewart: It is my pleasure. _

_Black: Thank you. _

_Stewart: Always the last one to exchange pleasantries, Arthur. Haven't changed a bit. _

_= Audience laughter = _

_Stewart: So tell me about this new movie about yours – Hoagies and Pie, is it? _

_Black: Well, it's a romantic comedy – _

_Stewart: There's a word I never thought he'd use! _

_= Audience laughter = _

_Black: Oh you're so funny. So funny._

_Summer: =laughter= He got you there, Arthur. _

_Black: Not you too! =looks at audience= See what I have to put up with on set? _

_Stewart: =laughs= But seriously, what is this movie – which, coincidentally, has the initials H-P, which is =high-pitched= awesome =/end= about? _

_Summer: It's about a girl and a boy – _

_Stewart: =gestures to Summer= Of course. = waves at Black= Maybe. _

_=Audience laughter=_

_Summer: =laughs= The boy falls in love with the girl, and they begin to date – _

_Black: But it's not serious dating, and um, another boy – Charles Eames, who couldn't make it tonigh—_

_=Enter Charles Eames = _

_Eames: Who is right here! _

_=Eames pushes the chairs of Black and Summer apart and pulls up a nearby chair, setting it between them before sitting down = _

_Eames: What are we talking about? _

_Black: What the hell are you doing here?_

_Stewart: =takes out popcorn= oh, this is gunna be good! _

_Eames: Well, obviously an interview with Jon Stewart about Hoagies and Pie, which has three starring cast members should have three interviewees, right? Math getting too hard for you? _

_Black: What? But Cobb told me that – _

_Summers: Arthur, he said that – _

_Eames: My, you look lovely today, Ariadne. Do something with your ha_ir?"

To read more, go here.

The rest of the transcript is pretty cut and dry. Arthur got back to his stupid professionalism and returns to talking about the movie… but omg the end of this bit is 3. What do you guys think?

(comments)

(Anonymous)

2011-4-7 09:00:00 (local) (link)

omg, how did you not include Eames' reply to Jon's question?

_Stewart: So, Eames, you're an, well, alien. How are the cast of Hoagies and Pie treating you, and who, among your castmembers = gestures to Black and Summers = is the best to work with? _

_Eames: = laughs= oh, no pressure to choose one of them at all _

_Stewart: Of course not…_

_Eames: Who do I think is the best to work with? Why =places hand around Arthur's neck= darling here of course. _

Go see the original video! 3 it looks like Arthur is blushing after that 3

(reply to above) (Anonymous)

2011-4-7 10:29:13 (local) (link)

rofl

(reply to above) (anonymous)

2011-4-7 10:44:10 (local) (link)

I knew it!

(reply to above) (neverstopbelieving)

2011-4-7 11:03:14 (Local) (link)

Holy crap, I can't believe I forgot that! Added to the main post, thank you!

(Anonymous)

2011-4-7 15:01:18 (Local) (link)

"Stupid professionalism"…? Are you kidding me? He looks so pissed! He's not blushing – he's close to murdering Eames with his bare hands!

(reply to above) (Anonymous)

2011-4-7 15:33:13 (local) (link)

IA! He looks sad…

(reply to above) (Anonymous)

2011-4-7 15:39:00 (local) (link)

B how do u no it's not his ~normal face (|:() ~

(reply to above, above) Anonymous)

2011-4-7 16:00:06 (local) (link)

Just look at his movies (and his life) – it's not. :( I think something happened… Remember when Mal was in the hospital? Same expression.

* * *

><p>From then on, Arthur can see Eames' actions so much more clearly. Touching Arthur, putting his arm around Arthur's shoulders – it's all to get Arthur's approval so that Ariadne will be up for grabs. Every touch becomes a constant reminder of his foolishness in making something out of nothing.<p>

He's taken to avoiding Eames on and off set, and barely reacting when Eames crashes into their publicity events. But one day, his work ethics get the best of him.

"Croissant?" Eames asks him that morning. He arrived early and as usual, Arthur is the only other one who ever bothers getting there early. It's one of the few times they are alone in a room together without Cobb or Ariadne or a massive army of cameras watching them. Arthur ignores him. His… thing for Eames has abated.

"Come on, darling," Eames says. 'I think coming into close proximity with each other for the past few weeks makes it alright to accept a simple croissant from me."

"Hn," Arthur says. "Every time we came in close proximity was not as a result of necessity – you just keep on slobbering over Ariadne like –"

But Eames has crossed over to him and shoved the croissant into his mouth.

"Mffhgh !" Arthur muffles through the croissant.

"Indeed," Eames says, taking a sip of his coffee. "Indeed." So when Ariadne walks in with Robert in tow, Arthur is choking on his croissant and Eames is sitting at the table, chin in hands, just looking at Arthur.

* * *

><p>He hears them talking the next day, Eames and Ariadne. They don't know he's there, and he doesn't mean to eavesdrop, but he's heading to get his lunch when he hears them from Ariadne's dressing room, and he just wants to know what's going on because Cobb generally prohibits sex in dressing rooms and Arthur wants to keep things clean.<p>

That's all.

"That croissant thing wasn't subtle at all," he hears Ariadne say.

"Well, dear," Eames says. The endearment makes Arthur's heart twinge, reminding him again of his stupidity in thinking that Eames calling him "darling" all the time meant something. "He didn't get it, anyways."

"This isn't the right way to do it," Ariadne says, and Arthur agrees, mind winning out over heart. If Eames wanted his approval to date Ariadne, he should go through other methods. Like golf, or a well-written essay detailing how Eames will be able to satisfy every one of Ariadne's needs (Robert has already submitted his, and it was ranked higher than the other guy down in set repairs).

"Well tell me what is the "right way to do it"," Eames says. Arthur has never heard Eames sound so angry before. "Because I'm grasping at straws here."

"Leaving penis notes for him, being creepy with Julius Caesar, and nearly killing him with a croissant is you "grasping at straws"?"

"Stop it," Eames says, and now he just sounds tired. "At least this way I can pretend he doesn't hate me."

"Oh, Eames," Ariadne says, voice full of emotion. And that makes Arthur feel…

Tired. There is something between Ariadne and Arthur, something strong – strong enough for Eames to be torn up about Arthur not liking him, and strong enough for Ariadne to get emotional about.

He needed to stop ignoring Eames. He needed to act like his normal self – like a regular guy friend, not a gay, interested one.

For Ariadne.

* * *

><p>Arthur has a well-organized list of "Things to Do, and When." On his list for things to do when the co-star you have a crush on is in love with your other co-star, the top command is to get drunk.<p>

So he does so.

Abruptly and suddenly after he sees Eames come out of Ariadne's dressing room looking rumpled and disheveled before filming five days before the grand premier.

He also learns that there is only one place near their studios that has private rooms and sells alcohol before three.

And how to open his fly and aim with one hand.

But twelve o'clock finds him slumped on the table of his private room, strong alcohol that he can't remember the name of cradled in one hand, and another hand playing out a continuous melody of "Twinkle-Twinkle Little Star."

He's in a state of utter depression, and his mind keeps on filling in the scene behind the closed doors of Ariadne's dressing room.

Ugh.

Imagining Ariadne naked makes Arthur want to shoot things with a gun because it is utterly repulsive (not that Arthur doesn't like Ariadne or anything, but ugh, naked women parts).

But Eames, he can imagine naked. He has imagined naked. He has seen naked, in fact, in Yo-ho-ho. And what a glorious sight that was. Like Helena's beauty, Eames' naked body had sent said a thousand ships – or a dozen or so wet dreams that ended up in about a ship-load of water used to wash them.

Environmental activists can kick his ass later.

Imagining the both of them naked doing things to each other makes him sick even more. He loves Ariadne, he really does, but matters of the heart can sometimes surpass such love.

"Another, please," he tells the bartender, slumping down onto his table. He can stay there all day if he wants to, as long as he forgets.

* * *

><p>At around 1:30pm, in his alcohol riddled mind, Arthur decides to go back to the set to act out his scene, perfectionism being the death of him.<p>

So he does.

"Oh my God, where have you been?" Cobb immediately descends on him. "You were needed like twenty minutes ago!" Cobb sniffs at him.

"You smell like alcohol – have you been to a stripper bar? Should have listened to Mal when she said you were repressed…" Cobb gets called away by a makeup artist, and Arthur is left there standing along.

"Go get changed," Cobb calls out. "We're retaking the Japanese scene!"

"Come on," one of the wardrobe team says, pulling him over. "We've got to get you into your yukata."

Arthur is too drunk to really navigate through the complex designs of the wardrobe room (which is really code for saying there is so much crap on the ground that even a dancer would trip), so he lets himself be pulled.

He gets through and into his yukata with minimum injuries.

"Oh thank goodness," Eames exclaims when Arthur is ushered out of the changing room. "I thought you'd been kidnapped or something."

"Fuzzy muffin cats," Arthur mumbles. Eames frowns.

"Wait, what?"

"Come on, guys," Cobb says from his chair, adjusting his yukata. "We're twenty minutes late! Get into your places and… action!"

Arthur is obviously not in his place, but Cobb doesn't seem to care.

"So this is how you treat the ones you love," Eames begins. "Like they're nothing at all." A pause is what's written between Eames' line and Arthur's, but when two pauses pass, there's catch in the air and everyone waits with baited breath to see what Arthur will say.

"I think," Arthur finally says. "I think." He slurs, breaking from his lines ("oh, he plays drunk really well," Cobb says from the sides). "I think you're an idiot," he says, stumbling forward into Eames.

"Whoa, what?" Eames asks, giving a disbelieving smile as Arthur's hands start going _everywhere._ Ariadne says to the side, "uh, Cobb, I don't think he's –" After much drunken babble involving Arthur getting his hands on a decidedly non-plastic katana, and much running around set trying to disarm him, there seems to finally be silence when Arthur stands still, leaning against a stall.

Then Arthur upends the festival stall screaming, "I like you, you dick!" plastic-bagged goldfish flying everywhere.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Random Gossip Mag reports: Chaos on Cobb's Set! <strong>_

_Nosy Nelly _

_Staff Reporter _

_In an uncharacteristic booze rage, Arthur Black, known for his stone-cold personality, got piss drunk on Dominic Cobb's set for Hoagies and Pie and destroyed several set items. We've got the partial transcript below, as our anonymous insider was only able to film the end bit:_

_Arthur: I like you so much, why you no like me? _

_Ariadne: Oh shit, he's talking to the goldfish. _

_Cobb: Cleanup! Get the water off the set, fill a new pool, and transport the goldfish before they die from the temperature! _

_Arthur: It's like you don't even notice me – sob, sob – _

_Eames: Arthur, come on, you're better than this. Just put the knife down and we can talk… _

_Cobb: It's okay, it's a fake knife…_

_Mal: But you said to get real knives for the props – _

_Cobb: Fuck. _

_Arthur: - and I know I might have been the one to add that Tabasco sauce to your drink, but really it was just there – _

_Saito: I heard screaming. What needs to be replaced?_

_Robert: Quick Ariadne, get over here! _

_Ariadne: What – there's nothing happening… _

_Robert: For my peace of mind… _

_Eames: Arthur, wouldn't a nice talk do? We can go back to my room or something – _

_Arthur: Argh, shut the fuck up! _

_And then Arthur tackles Eames into one of the goldfish ponds and passes out! Our anonymous source says that Cobb ordered everyone out of the room, but one of our reporters outside the stadium reports that they saw Eames carrying Arthur away to his trailer. _

_Apparently, Arthur has a crush, or something similar (diarrhea?). More news to be reported later! _

* * *

><p>The next day, Arthur wakes up in his bed, feeling haggard. What happened last night? He thinks to himself. He has a pounding headache, and there's a bitter taste in his mouth. There's a cup next to his bed – paper – and it's nothing out of the ordinary. Arthur's usual routine before he goes to bed is to get a glass of water to drink when he wakes up.<p>

_I must have gone to bed early or something,_ Arthur thinks, brows furrowing when he can't remember what happened the previous day. _Maybe I had a late night and stumbled back here? _

He decides to follow his routine, and finishes up his drink, and then stands to go to the restroom to complete his morning bathroom routine. By the time he's finishes brushing his teeth and washing his face, he can't taste that bitter taste, and he doesn't feel a headache anymore.

_I guess it wasn't a hangover then,_ he thinks to himself. Weird. He gets dressed, grabs his things, and leaves his trailer, meeting Eames right outside his door.

"What are you doing here?" He asks Eames, who looks tired.

"Just passing by," Eames says, frozen in mid-step and gesturing to his raised leg, like he was about to take a step. "Come on, we'll be late."

When they get in, Cobb hands them all two very thin scripts.

"What this?" Arthur asks, disconcerted with the number of people looking their way.

"New scenes," Cobb says, snapping his gum.

"New scenes?" Arthur asks. "So late?" It's strange that both his co-stars are silent. They should be just as angry, judging from the size of their scripts.

"Creative freedom," Cobb says, shrugging his shoulders. "I felt like there should be more substance… and that the ending was very ordinary."

"Oh, this will win an Oscar," Mal says, coming up from behind Cobb. "It's very nice. There are elements from popular French tales." Cobb gets a mushy look his face as he turns to face his wife.

"All thanks to you, mon chou-chou~" Cobb says, nuzzling his nose with hers.

"This isn't the end, though," Arthur says, flipping through his script. It's the script for just one scene. Again, it's strange that both of his costars aren't even flipping through their scripts.

"Binding problems," Eames says, and Arthur turns to ask him how he'd know. "I helped bind in my free time."

"That, and you're not needed in the final scene," Cobb says, waving his hand flippantly in the air. "Any more questions? Problems? Thoughts? We only have a few weeks left, so I suggest we get hopping. No? Alright, places everyone!"

By the end of filming, Arthur has done many things and has not done many things. He's also protested about the contents of scenes multiple times.

"Cobb," Arthur says, scandalized during one scene where he and Eames are in a bathtub together. "Have you turned this into a homoerotic romance?" Cobb looks on proudly from behind them.

"I thought it was a good way to, you know, show the bonds between men who are chasing the same woman," Cobb says. "And James learned to ride the bike yesterday, so I don't give a damn what the critics will say."

"At least it's tasteful," Eames says, flicking a few pages forward. "Oh, I see you've gotten rid of the shark scene."

"Mal said that none of you should have to be mauled in a shark scene," Cobb says, waving his hand dismissively. "Especially when you two are only there because Ariadne organized the whole thing."

"How is this still pg-13?" Arthur asks incredulously. Cobb shrugs.

"This is insanity," Arthur says faintly, looking at the bubbling bathtub. "Insanity."

"Calm down, you can wear your trunks," Cobb says. "And it's not insanity. I had it tested with Mal – she likes it. Of course, we might get in trouble with the MPAA, but fuck them."

"Come on, darling," Eames says, already stripping. "Get in." Arthur's eyes linger just a moment too long on Eames' abs when they're exposed, but he quickly snaps them back to the bathtub and goes to work on his own clothes.

Nothing's here, nothing's there, there is nothing anywhere, Arthur chants to himself.

He still can't quite believe it.

* * *

><p>He gets through filming, but barely. Many of the added scenes are between him and Eames, and Cobb always justifies it with "it's to show the bond between men that reflects the bond people in love everywhere have, because love is amazing and heartwarming. Now strip and get into this chicken suit."<p>

It's difficult, being so close to Eames. But Eames is acting differently, too. He touches other other people less, and uses endearments a lot less, too. Arthur doesn't want to give the dead home in his heart any chance to breath and revive, but Eames doesn't stop touching him or stop calling him darling. And Eames leaves his side a lot less.

_The dedication, _Arthur thinks, looking between Eames and Ariadne. _This is a last ditch attempt… Ariadne must really like him to have waited for so long. _

The night that Arthur is done with his scenes, but Ariadne and Robert stay behind to film their new scenes ("Like I said, I changed the ending. You two just need to say goodbye to her at different set locations, and we don't need you anymore." "This is the last scene?" "Yes. Now go sit next to the skull."), Eames shows up at his hotel room door holding popcorn and a movie.

"Eames, what are you—" Arthur starts to ask.

"Ariadne's gone," Eames says, breezing in. "Thought you needed the company."

"That's thoughtful, but—"

"Haven't got guests here, have you? Eames says, looking at the two pairs of shoes at the entrance.

"Uh, no, I just bring shoes in case—"

"Good, good," Eames says, sliding his shoes off at the door and slipping on hotel slippers. He makes himself comfortable in front of the t.v. Arthur shuts the door, exasperated.

"Fine, you can stay," he says, even though Eames only says "yay" in return. After all, it's just a movie. It doesn't mean anything.

"Sit next to me," Eames says, patting the space next to him, having finally gotten the dvd player to work. Arthur goes over and sits.

Eames gives him a twizzler, puts the popcorn box between them, and puts a blanket over Arthur.

He grits his teeth.

It doesn't mean anything.

The traitorous thought that Ariadne is such a lucky girl floats through his mind anyways.

* * *

><p>Finally, it's the night of the grand opening – of the premier- of the film. After today, Arthur thinks to himself, there will be no need for pretending anymore. After today, there is no need for him to go around with Ariadne, no need for Robert to keep on sending them both hurt looks, even though Arthur is totally gay and would never come within ten feet of Ariadne's lady parts, and no need for Eames, for Eames…<p>

No need for Eames to get close to him again. No need for the jokes he makes or the sounds he makes when he's laughing or trying to get Arthur to eat one of his croissants, no—

But it doesn't matter. Arthur squashes down the horror that is growing in his chest. He and Eames never meant anything to each others o why should the thought of Eames going away – away back to England to do things – matter to him?

"Come on," Ariadne whispers, grabbing onto his hand. "Our last show – the last finale." They step out onto the red carpet together, smiling and posing like they never have before. It's when they're at the top, when they're standing in front of the large, glossy picture of their movie poster, that Eames appears.

But this time, Eames doesn't get between them. This time, he doesn't throw his arm around both their shoulders, or grab Ariadne like she's the only one for him. This time, he goes for

Arthur.

"Whoa, what?" Arthur yelps in surprise when Eames yanks him away from Ariadne.

"Everything's almost over now, eh, darling?" Eames said, with a look of sadness in his eyes. "Nothing that happens between us will matter much after a couple of weeks. None of the fights, none of the insults—"

"None of the anything, I know," Arthur says, cold feeling returning in his chest. It's just as he thought. All the croissants, the jokes, nothing – nothing mattered at all now. That—

"So I can do this," Eames starts, but then stops, looking unsure of himself. The paparazzi are screaming amongst themselves, and their fans are chattering excitedly.

"I can do this and –" Eames starts again, tongue flicking out to wet his lips. Arthur tracks the movement, body perfect still like he's waiting for something, anything really –

"Do it, Eames!" Ariadne shrill voice rings out. Eames is bolstered by this, and pulls Arthur closer, who follows without a second thought. The camera lights flash brighter than ever, and Arthur already knows they're going to be on Perez Hilton's site for being gay, but – Eames tugs him closer until they're meeting, nose to nose, with Eames arms around his waist, and one hand at the middle of his back, keeping in propped up. Arthur knows what his face looks like – unsure and anticipating. Eames' eyes are dark and warm, and he has a stubble that Arthur never noticed before.

"So I can do this," Eames whispers again, and he leans forward and oh fuck Arthur 's never felt anything like this before. Eames' lips settle over his, and they're warm and soft. Not two seconds into the kiss – oh god, it's a freaking kiss in front of everyone Arthur has ever known, and there are camera flashes and people screaming and – and Arthur doesn't give a flying fuck when Eames' tongue licks a short strip between his lips.

Arthur's lips can't help but part, catching Eames' tongue between and sucking it in. Eames makes this noise that should be illegal in at least thirty-seven states, and just plunder's Arthur's mouth, licking in and tangling with Arthur's tongue. Everything is wet and warm and oh-so good. Eames' hands on his back feel like they're mini-furnaces, warming Arthur down to his very bones. They're pressed up fully against each other now, and blood is roaring in Arthur's ears.

Eames smells so good, like mint and coffee – Arthur's favorite things. He tastes like the latte they shared before coming, and Arthur just knows his face is red right now. He feels Eames moving his hands lower towards areas no man (that Arthur has felt this way towards) has ever touched, but Arthur doesn't care – he just doesn't care anymore as long as Eames just keeps on doing that thing with his tongue and keeps on making Arthur feel like he's burning from the inside out –

"Get a room, you two," Ariadne says, and Arthur lets out a sound of displeasure when Eames stops kissing him.

"Oh right, there's that," He says, licking the spit – Arthur's spit – his brain short-circuits. "Come on, darling, there's nothing left for us here."

Arthur nods, disconcerted, still feeling dazed and warm all over. Eames hand is still on the small of his back, burning, burning.

"Is," Arthur says, mind reeling. "Is this a joke?" Eames looks at him like he's daft.

"It's no joke," Eames says. "I fancy you. A lot. And I never liked Ariadne in a romantic sense."

"Serious?" Arthur says, the hope that he had brutally murdered about fifty times flickering again. Eames smiles.

"Cross my heart and hope to die. I swear on my suit collection." And kisses a shell-shocked Arthur again. "I can tell you more at a more private location."

The news reporters are having a field day. Questions are thrown out left and right like, "How long have you two been a pair?" and "Was the romance between you and Ms. Summers all for show?" and "When can we expect the marriage?"

"I'll tell Cobb you two went home early," Ariadne says, winking at both of them as they separate.

"Cheers," Eames says. Then he looks down at Arthur, eyes melting into the same warm goo they were before. "Private coffee shop, darling?" Arthur can see a hint of fear in his eyes, like Arthur is going to reject him.

"Yeah," he says. He's had things given to him before - good things - that were later taken away. He doesn't know what will happen, and still can't believe what Eames is saying - but the damned hope is hopping all over the place in his chest, and, well, feelings like those he had now were never logical. "I mean, yes." Eames smiles – not a smug, smirky, or smarmy smile, but a real one.

"Let me show you how serious I am," Eames murmurs, pushing Arthur gently to the left.

They find a taxi, go to a private coffee shop, and talk until it is established that _yes,_ Eames likes Arthur a lot, and _yes,_ Arthur may like Eames back as much as that or more, and that _yes_, they are both idiots (because how could Arthur not see the blatant handsy-ness of Eames, and how Eames not know that with people like Arthur, people just had to be straightforward).

They don't have sex that night because Arthur doesn't sleep on what are questionably "first-dates" and Eames' mother has taught to wait until at least the second date, but they have fun doing just about everything else. Eames takes him on a ride around a nearby park, where there are no paparazzi or anything, and they just talk and talk and talk. Eames sends Arthur back to his hotel room, and Eames stays. They fall asleep in bed together, still clothed and cuddling (in the loosest sense of the word).

It's the best sleep Arthur's gotten in days, and Eames heartbeat underneath his fingertips mirror his own steady beat in perfect contentment.

The next day, Arthur and Eames arrive together at the studios for Cobb's final words, they both looking unbearably happy.

"You two did it, didn't you?" Ariadne calls out from where Robert is playing with her hair. "Congratulations!"

"Finally," Cobb says, coming over to them and waving a margarita. "Although I know you didn't do it – Arthur doesn't get that far on the first date." Arthur sputters. Eames smiles.

"Doesn't matter," Eames says, snagging two magaritas from a nearby table. "If I'm any more happy than I am now, I will catch on fire and explode." Everyone in the room "awws."

"How did the premier go?" Arthur asks, face reddening. There is no shrugging off of Eames' hand off his shoulder. Cobb's eyes sparkle.

"It was good!" He bellows, drink spilling out of his glass. "Wonderful!"

"A lot of people really like the ending," Mal says, taking the margarita away from Cobb. "I think it's the best ending we've made yet."

"Really?" Arthur asks. "Why?"

"Yes, what did you end up changing it into?" Eames asks. Arthur gives him a look.

"You changed the ending, too?" Arthur asks. "I thought we filmed that already!" Mal gives a small smiles, while Cobb drunkenly laughs.

"Oh we did, we did," Cobb says, coming forward to clasp a hand around Arthur's shoulder. "But in, uh, celebration of your budding relationship with Eames, I decided to change the movie."

"What." Eames winces as Arthur's hand digs hard into his shoulder.

"Well, even I don't know what the ending is, so – oh God – so we're on the same level of ignorance, right? Darling, please just –"

"Arthur, we still need that prop, so don't – Okay, never mind, you can keep it."

Eames gets home eventually, relatively unscathed, and Arthur gets a DVD copy of the movie to watch when he has time.

Eames takes it before they part (rather painfully – Eames' arm aches), grabs a post-it-note, and labels it "second date."

Arthur doesn't throw the post-it away when he gets home.

* * *

><p><strong>On Hoagies and Pie<strong>

D_ominic Cobb's fantastical scenarios and directing skills have long since enraptured me with his work, but his latest work, Hoagies and Pie, is the greatest of them all. A passionate love story between two men and a women, Dominic Cobb weaves a lovely background of the characters for those who watch closely enough to realize it. Why does Harry Parker (played by Arthur Black) strive so hard to keep Johanna Moore's (played by Ariadne Summers) heart? Intense looks exchanged between Harry Parker and William James Kirkland (played by Charles Eames) reveal Harry's long struggle with his own sexual orientation, of which William causes the reemergence of. William, too, seems to be fooling himself into heterosexuality with his fast pursuance of Johanna. Although the two male characters commit great acts of love for Moore, the defining moment – when Harry grabs onto William as the building collapses – is a testament to the connection between Harry and Williams as well. _

_A fine film, illuminating human behavior and sexuality. Four for you, Dominic Cobb, four for you. _

_Although the ending could have used some more scrutiny. _

* * *

><p><strong>Incest made interesting<strong>

_I'll tell you, beloved readers. When news of Hoagies and Pie first hit, I thought it would be a typical romance with two guys and one chick. But no, instead of two guys fighting for a chick, it's three guys fighting for a chick, and one of these guys is her own brother, who is actually adopted. The other two guys accept it and one asks the other out to the bar (which is perfect for fanfiction is all I can say) to talk about their love for the chick and other things, presumably (like which one gets to bottom the first time – ha!). _

_If this film were a man, I'd have sex with it. Even if it has Dom Cobb's dirty fingerprints all over it. _

* * *

><p><strong>Random Gossip Mag's Sister Mag: Arthur Black and Charles Eames get married! <strong>

_Nosy Nelly's Sister – Not-so-Nosy Nelly _

_Correspondent _

Guys and girls, have we news for you! In a private ceremony yesterday, actors Arthur Black and Charles Eames got married! Wasn't too much of a surprise considering the hot kiss they shared at the premier of Hoagies and Pie, three years ago, but it's still news, nevertheless, and I have it from credible sources that no other news mag is reporting it at the moment but us!

=angel music=

We managed to snag a few interviews with their co-stars and friends over the years!

Cobb: "Well, this was a long time coming. I noticed it from the first day. =laughs= I actually changed the ending of Hoagies and Pie so it'd kind of be like their lives. This feels a little like giving away my daughter… well, man-daughter. But at least I know they'll take care of each other. =looks off towards the side and suddenly looks back to me= Was it weird that I gave the talk to Eames today?

Ariadne: They were such idiots when they first started out! Arthur never got his head out of his ass, but Eames never really was straightforward with his feelings, either. And both kept complaining about it all to me – which is totally not what a girl needs to hear when she's having her own relationship problems… But they're really good for each other. Arthur's loosened up so much. =whispers= I even think he's happy!

Robert: Ugh, that period of time was not a good one. I slept on the sofa too many times to count. =uncomfortable smile= Never again will I give advice to Ariadne about them. Ever. But whatever, Arthur and Eames balance each other out. There's actual talking when we have "family" dinners now.

Mal: I chose the outfits – aren't they great! =laughs- They caused a lot of trouble on set… But dinners over at their house are lovely. I wish them all the luck. Phillipa and James are calling Eames "Uncle Eames" all over the place - we already have an Uncle Charles. It's liked he slipped into the family without any of us noticing.

Saito: I was much surprised to see the production costs for Hoagies and Pie. Then I was much surprised when I pulled the surveillance tapes and saw Black and Eames' behavior in a dark corner of the parking lot, violating several indecency laws… But I am not surprised now to see this happening.

And finally, we caught up with the stars of the evening…

Arthur: That's what Cobb did to the film? God, I thought he was just being himself again.

Eames: He's showing it again later... Says it's a representation of our early love.

Arthur: I guess – I guess tonight's a good night.

Eames: It will be a very good night later. =squeezes Arthur's shoulder.=

Arthur: =laughs= Yeah. But say that again in public and –

Eames: Yes, yes, darling.

Me: Are you happy?

Arthur: Surprisingly, yes.

Eames: Ha, it took me a year to drag that out of him. You're lucky you got it in one shot.

Arthur: Shut up. Like you didn't know before that.

Eames: We've got a house in both England and here. =smiles at Arthur= It's nice. None of my mates back home every though I'd settle with a Yank.

Arthur: And I never though I'd end up with you of all people.

Eames: But it's a good ending.

Arthur: Yeah. =kisses Eames= It's the best one. To the single part of our lives, anyways.

The end of one "movie", right into another one? Let's hope that they'll make it to the end fo time together! Look out for them in their next movie together: _These Quiet Lives of Ours. _I hear it's about a turtle-raising, office-employee secret ninja who becomes a target of the Swedish Secret Mafia (a chain supermarket group) when he accidentally reveals their price-raising tactics on an assassination mission! How exciting!

- Not-so-Nosy, better-than-her-sister, Nelly.

* * *

><p>And they all lived happily ever after.<p>

THE END

* * *

><p>AN: It's also posted at my livejournal (link in profile) if you want to see the amazing pictures that adelaide_rain drew (which you totally should). I hope you liked this fic :) Feel free to drop a review if you do~


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